Don't Believe In Yourself

"The flight from Atlanta, Georgia, to Quito, Ecuador is full. No standby passengers will be allowed to board." 

I stared at the Departure Monitor. I was oddly aware of how ridiculous I looked. A petite 21-year-old, with a wrinkled sweater, clutching her Ukulele a little too tightly...with a sweaty standby ticket in her hand.

No standby passengers would be allowed to board? None? 

Lord, I've been waiting for over a day. All my friends and family are praying. Why am I not on that plane?

On December 18th, 2017, I had a flight from Dallas to Atlanta, and then Atlanta to Quito, Ecuador. There was an accident in the Atlanta airport that caused a power outage for about a day. Because of that, my flight from Dallas to Atlanta was so delayed that I missed my flight out to Ecuador. So, I trusted God and got all of my prayer warriors to pray that I would get on a plane the next day. On the 19th I waited, along with several other passengers, to get on the only flight out to Ecuador. I just knew that God would pull through. After all, I was going to teach music. I was staying with missionaries. God needed me there in Ecuador, and not here in the Terminal of the Atlanta Georgia airport.

But the Departure Monitor didn't agree. No standby passengers. 

I would not get on a plane that night, or the next night. I wouldn't leave until three days later.

I'm telling you about this specific point in my journey because it signifies more than a girl missing her flight. I was struggling with a tough question...what do you do when God doesn't come through?

Well, I'll tell you what I did. I fumbled my way to a seat, covered my face, and sobbed. I hadn't cried when I missed my flight the night before. I cried at that moment, though, because I had done everything right. I had trusted in God's sovereignty, asked my Christian community to pray for me, and waited patiently (and with a good attitude). My students in Ecuador were to have their first music lesson the next day. And I wouldn't be there to teach them.

Many people cheer their friends up by saying, "you can do this!", "trust in yourself!", "follow your heart!", or "believe in yourself!"

Well, I have news for those people. You're giving the wrong advice. 

In that moment, I did not believe in myself. I could not believe in myself. There was nothing that I could do.

So what do you do when God doesn't come through?

You stop asking that question. That is the wrong question. That is an arrogant question. To believe that God exists to cater to my needs and desires is not only selfish, but factually untrue.

After I cried, I remember looking down at my Ukulele (I had foolishly checked in my suitcase with my extra pair of clothes, so all I had on me was a backpack and my Ukulele in its case). I plucked out the chords to Amazing Grace.

I still felt sad and looked like a train wreck, but I finally started asking the right questions.

God, what do you want me to accomplish here? 

Lord, what do you want me to learn? 

Jesus, how can I serve you here? 

And that still, small, quiet voice said...

"I am the vine, and you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

John 15:5

Did you catch that? Apart from Christ we can do NOTHING. There are no exceptions in that sentence. 

The fact that you woke up this morning with life-flowing-blood in your veins is a miracle from God. The words that I am writing right now are a gift. Every movement of my limbs, every speech from my mouth, every note my fingers play on a piano, every second of every day that I live is a testimony to the greatness and sufficiency of our God. Because the reality is, without Him, I can do nothing. 

And if you are not a Christian, every moment that you live is a gift of grace (unmerited favor). It is an opportunity to put your faith in the One who can fill that empty void in your life. Because, friends, the day of grace will not always be here. 

So no. I don't believe in myself. But I believe in Christ. Even when He doesn't give me what I want. Because He always comes through. We must put down our plans and follow His guidance. See, He did come through in that Airport Terminal, because His plan was for me to wait for three days.

The Lord provided two wonderful, Godly, and intelligent young ladies for me to stay with those three nights in Atlanta. He blessed me with resources for food and transportation. I even had my Spanish-English Bible with me in my backpack. I got to share about Jesus to strangers because of what I was going through. 

One of my prayer warriors emailed me when she learned that I had missed my flight for the second time. She said, "You will look back on this delay and say, 'Thank you, Lord!'" She was right. I look back and praise God for those three exhausting days in the Airport. Because finally, I didn't believe in myself. Not one little bit. But I did trust in my Jesus. 

I'm going to give you some uncommon advice. 

Don't believe in yourself. You aren't strong enough. You aren't perfect enough. You aren't smart enough. 

But Jesus is strong enough. Perfect enough. Smart enough. Anyone who tells you different is lying to you. The hope that they give you will not last. 

I am sharing this story because it is a huge part of my testimony now. It signifies the point in my life where I stopped being afraid.

When I finally got to Ecuador, I was prepared for the many challenges that I faced. So, I guess you could say that those three days in the Airport saved me. They saved me from a shallow relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to value Christ as my greatest treasure, and that can only happen if I learn to let go and have faith in Him. 

I look forward to the many adventures in my future that will cause me to cry, that will rip things away from me, that will stretch me and rock me to my core. It'll be much like zip-lining into the Amazon jungle. Your feet leave the ground and the wind hits your face...and suddenly, the only thing supporting you is a strong wire. You can't even see your final destination, but you know that the wire that disappears into the horizon is steady and constant, and that it will take you to the finish line.

Zip-lining in Mindo, Ecuador. I am so thankful for my crazy month of adventures!